A Guide to Grief

Author Cole Imperi is a chaplain and certified thanatologist (an expert on death, dying, grief and loss) who, through this book, helps middle schoolers navigate through their feelings after the death of a loved one or a shadowloss, a loss in life, not of life. A Guide to Grief is divided into nine chapters, each of which ends with a summary of the key points.

Imperi explains that grief is a process, not a feeling, and is unique to each person and each loss. She describes the signs associated with grief - cognitive, physical, spiritual, behavioural, social and emotional - and provides examples of each. Though many people associate grief with the loss of a loved one or a pet, Imperi also talks about shadowloss which is more common than a deathloss and refers to the death of something, such as a divorce, moving to a new city, losing a job or an opportunity, a serious medical diagnosis, war, a natural disaster or a pandemic. (In the case of COVID-19, some people might have experienced both a deathloss and a shadowloss.) Two different people can experience the same shadowloss in different ways. For example, two teens from the same family that is moving across town to a new home might have totally different views: one might be sad to leave old friends while the other is excited for a fresh start at a new school, having been bullied at the former one. Imperi also discusses anticipatory grief where the actual loss hasn’t happened yet, for instance when a loved one is in palliative care or when an older sibling is moving away to college.

Other topics in the book include different funeral rituals which are influenced by culture, religion or family traditions; grief energy (some people need to rest more after a loss while others need to keep active and busy); outside versus inside grief (what people show to others versus what they express just to themselves), and how to help a friend who is dealing with grief, including the right and wrong things to say. Throughout the book, Imperi encourages readers that what they’re feeling is normal, but that they shouldn’t get stuck in grief. It is important to express their emotions and to find ways of moving through their grief.

The text is written in a gentle, conversational tone that is easy to comprehend. Five young people share their stories of grief and how they dealt with it, but these are “manufactured” people and stories to provide examples. There are short, helpful exercises, such as art and journaling, as well as “Loving Kindness” affirmations, gentle reminders that it’s okay for kids to feel the way that they do after a loss. A table of contents, a grief glossary, an index, a note for caregivers and a lengthy list of online resources, hotlines, books and videos are provided. Illustrations consist of inkline drawings.

Thorough and age-appropriate, A Guide to Grief is a valuable resource, but it’s unlikely that most grieving kids will pick it up. A parent or guidance counsellor might have more success sharing it with kids or encouraging them to read it on their own.